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Sunday, July 10, 2005

still havin fun


i'm sure it's only a matter of time now, but in the meantime...

i've only had more fun than this, and felt higher, than when i was married. i remember being asked what i wanted for a birthday present. there wasn't a damn thing i wanted for, in the whole damned world...

it's unlikely that i reach that level of euphoria again, especially for a prolonged period of time. but i must say. life is GOOD.

i'm drinking beer, seein the kids, got a nice, relaxed relationship, getting back into bike racing, i've got good people around me, both socially and at work. i feel good. my friends all feel good (so i'm not feeling like shit bailing, and people out)

this weekend wasn't particularly exciting, but i liked it. sleep ins. spending time with people. well in my limited ability to spend time with people. i get bored very VERY easily. after about 45 seconds chewing the fat, i'd be equally as comfortable with a small rock. i don't do meaningless chit-chat very well. i like spending time with my kids. but by spending time, i don't mean bungy jumping and helicopter skiing (although that would be totally mad, bring that shit on). i'm all relaxed and stuff if they're just over in the same house, reading their books, kicking the ball around or watching some stupid movie.

i just like hanging with the kids.

it's only a matter of time before my world is too boring and their world hits overdrive. and i know that.

and it's only a matter of time until some noxious shit screws up my world again. i think (as if i'd know, i probably don't) that the most painful things that could possible happen to me in my life, have already happened. shooting me would be less painful than some of it.

so i'm fully resigned to bad shit happening again, but, as yet, it hasn't happened. i'm not waiting for it with baited breath, still feeling bad from the last time it happened. i'm going as hard as i can in the meantime, and living life to the fullest. in fact, i feel i'm not trying hard enough. there's a lotta shit i could still be doing. i could be dead tomorrow, forget the past, live for tomorrow.

NB: forget the past doesn't really mean forget the past. hang on to the memories of your loved ones, cherish and enjoy. but don't stop doing what you do for an instant. you could be joining them at any second. go hard so you've got more stuff to tell them about in valhalla

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