Thursday, March 03, 2005

when i was young, i was such a gutless shit. no self confidence, easily intimidated. hmmm, much like now i spose.

but when my little brother lost his licence (points offences) my dad blew up at him. thus i was introduced to protective instincts. my dad scared the shit out of me. but my little brother, almost puking by the side of the house, awoke a side of me that i didn't know i had. i went in the house and blew the living shit out of him. i screamed and i ranted and i raved. my mum (who i didn't even realise was there) stayed silent, as did my dad.

it wasn't until years later when i was acting like a dickhead, ok, just pick any time you like, there were lots, that my dad reminded me of that day, and told me to wake up to myself. he'd learned from me standing up for my brother, but expected me to also stand up and learn. people are fallible i'd told him, family comes first. well he told it all back to me.

i was amazed to find those same protective instincts surfacing for my kids. i'm a sound sleeper. you can burn down the house and blow up the dunny, but if i'm asleep, i'll never know. but when i have the kids, if they fart or gurgle, i'm awake. my eldest used to have bad dreams. i'd vault out of bed, over my ex, and wake up in my daughter's room. freaked me out to no end.

i'd give everything i own, and some stuff i don't, to erase the past and start anew. pity it doesn't work that way. when my marriage turned to a war, and we were (are still) so alike, we basically drew up lines and defended them. we are pigheaded, strong, fiercely protective, and very emotional. it wasn't until after we divorced that we learned to be friends. and now she is with another man, and we are two totally different people. perspective is everything. when we were fighting, i only thought of the moment. pain, anguish, hurt, my point of view. i learned a lot, but i also learned later, that when things are going pear shaped, it's so easy to forget.

i read a great book (well a few chapters from it) once. with a good friend of mine who is a girl (as opposed to a girlfriend). "why men lie, and why women cry". a very interesting insight into the opposite sex. wish i'd read it earlier. wanna spice up your marriage, save it, save yourself etc... give it a go. get the kids babysat, get a few drinks each, borrow someone else's open mind, and read chapters to each other. bring your sense of humour, and before you start arguing, before anything blows up, just remember this. "just how seriously do you take yourself?" you don't have to be right. you don't even have to know someone who is right. yer've just got to come to a working compromise.

my definition of rich: when someone asks you what you really want for your birthday, and you have absolutely no idea, because you already have everything you want. i was rich once....

fuck my life

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