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Monday, January 24, 2005

monday monday


i hate mondays. i especially hate mondays after being off work for 4 weeks. a lil bit busy, but i survived the experience.

the rest of the crew took it easy on me i think. first day back, ease him back in etc... but tomorrow it's sink or swim. one of us has left for a job in sydney, and another is on holidays, so that's cool. i don't mind working hard to pull my weight. don't give a flying fuck about the employer, but i'm part of a team, i wanna make sure i do my bit. we've got a pretty good team. and thanks to the guy who left (not because he left, but because he was good at team stuff), a pretty awesome team spirit, and i figure the more i dig in with the others, the better it is for us all.

played burnouts 3 on the ps2 for a bit, but i limit my time on it now. otherwise i'll play until i pass out and be mad as a cut snake... so now i'm just downloading songs i like. i thought i liked a song by deep dish, called flashdance. turns out it's a remake of a song on the flashdance soundtrack called he's a dream by shandi. stupid name, stupid artist name, but the original has more balls then the remix i reckon.

i think i've worked out one of my major character flaws. (it's hard to work out which one is the major one, got so many...) i'm frikken obsessive. anything new in my life i tend to throw myself totally at. 6 weeks later i've cooled on the whole damn thing. i wanted to get into little model steam engines. read all about them, bought a few books, trolled the net, and now i'm over it. sure i'm still interested, but i can't maintain that initial enthusiasm. perhaps it's because the only thing i've managed to remain obsessive about is beer :-)

beer is the answer, what was the question. christmas is over. gotta work out a way to dry out for a bit. too many hangovers makes me too grumpy and turns the world grey. 3-4 days off the grog and the difference is amazing. i feel like the frikking energizer battery bunny. but i've got no real incentive at the moment. apart from a beginning/maturing beer belly. gotta sort that shit out or the next thing i know i'll be a slack faced, middle aged, very round person, wondering where the fuck my body went and where all the flab came from.

it's a pity i'm real good at thinking this stuff, but that doesn't burn any fat off. gotta get with the program and start some regular exercise. soccer season is gonna be a major surprise to the body.

anyway, back to obsessive compulsive. there's this girl. (isn't there always?) i seem to have a knack for screwing up relationships. so i'm totally obsessed.but i'm afraid as well. the only part of my life i haven't fucked up is my relationship with my ex's kids. i certainly contributed my fair share to stuffing the marriage, but i was determined to keep it all cool with the kids. everyone has got to have aims in life i'm told. well i'm a directionless, windblown fool. no idea where i'm going, where i've been, or what i really want out of life. but kids are important, they changed my life lots. it must be a boy instinct thing. they made me responsible and brave and trustworthy (well some of the time at least). i used to sleep like the dead. but when i became a dad i started sleeping very lightly. if one of the kids farted in bed i'd wake up and wonder why i was awake and wander round the house checking the windows and wondering what was going on. if L had a nightmare i'd wake up in her room after having jumped out of bed and run there.

good at beating round the bush aren't i?

so there's this girl. you know when you meet someone interesting, they are all you can think about. i'm trying to be cool calm and collected, but it's not really working. after the mess i made last year, well, i'm a bit cautious as well. i really enjoy spending time with this girl. and i don't wanna fuck it all up like i did last year. so i'm trying just to keep it cool, spend time and don't get up to any mischief. but i'm going fucking insane.

the only thing keeping from making a fucking idiot of myself again is hindsight. when i look back at the wreckage of my life, i'm determined not to do that again. it's ok for some people to go out on a limb and take risks. but you've got to have a fucking clue in the first place...

fuck my life. sulk sulk, moan moan. but then, there's millions of people who'd kill to swap it with me, so i've gotta keep it in perspective. healthy, well fed, happy (when i'm not sulking). the worst thing is, when the drive to make a stupid fuck of myself goes away, i'll probably wish i was young (ish) and full of hormones again. gah! permanently fucked timing.

thus ends the rant for today. don't panic, i'm just venting. i know i'm a clueless fuck, i'm over it. just moaning. sometimes writing it down puts it in perspective and i can address the issues properly, or at least realise what's bugging me. but not today. perhaps i haven't been honest enough with myself, i dunno.

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