Tuesday, May 04, 2004


now i'm depressed. i've been on a high for months, i don't want to fall thru the cracks in the floor and end up in the dirt. i want more fun, for longer. no pain. no depression.

grandma had to go to hospital today. short of breath and a little distressed. last time she went it was some fluid on the lungs, a side effect of the flu or something, later they thought maybe another heart attack, just a mild one. perhaps again today. fucked if i know.

i don't think so though. maybe mum is right. the heater was on and all the doors were shut, dehydration and distress. she should be ok. i told my bro and sisters what's going on, like i was told. so i don't make them worry. i wasn't too worried. i thought she was ok. and i passed on exactly what i knew. it's not my business to filter info from my siblings. what i hear, they hear.

but now i'm feeling low. haven't felt it for a while and i don't like it. a combination of factors. a girl i'm interested in. maybe she's not interested. there's a few factors in my life that aren't working out the way i like, like my complete inability to handle money, debt etc... crap. when i was married i was a budget nazi, now i'm frikken hopeless. and grandma has yet again reminded me that she is mortal.

i find it hard to think of her as soft or vulnerable. hell, 3 days after having a triple heart bypass, she checked herself out of hospital (with her nurse daughter to look after her) and came to my goddamn wedding. she doesn't like hospitals it seems. i can relate to that. there's too many sick people in there.

and money again. gah!

and women. i seem to have terminally fucked up social skills. everything works out just wonderfully until i finally wake up and work out that i'm interested, or know that i'm interested and just wake up and work out that i'm in the game. she's talking to me. or even that a girl i've been interested in has agreed to go out to lunch with me. then i fuck it all up. (and no, haven't screwed up last situation. gotta give myself some kind of upper in the morning and wake up to myself)

yes, i'm feeling sorry for myself and having a sulk. i haven't screwed it all up yet. if i can unscrew myself from this funk then i'll be ok, no matter what. but i'm still down. perhaps the fucken high-o-meter has finally swung back around. i certainly hope not.

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