Monday, March 01, 2004

torturing telemarketers

oh god yes, torturing telemarketers. here is my personal favourite (below), from a joke email which has no doubt circled the globe 50 times and caused at least a small amount of miserableness. it's fun, but i'm not in the same league as the writers of these.

these others though are worth a look, at least for the giggle factor:

How To Destroy The Telemarketing Industry And Have Fun At It

this guy must be the god of torturing telemarketers

telemarketers (suck) (very snarky, i like)

Tormenting Telemarketers

Tormenting Telemarketers. A Game You Can Play at Home! Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.

Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!

Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.


Basic Point System:

For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.

Getting transferred to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts

For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts

Bonus Points:

Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the salesperson angry 175 pts
Making the salesperson hang up 750 pts
Call back, get their boss on the phone, and
tell them the salesperson hung up on you 1500 pts

Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts


Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in
your area [...] [start clock->]
Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house? [15 bonus pts!]
Them: Let me transfer you to
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes? [25 pts/min!]
Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
Me: [duh?] It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
and is completely safe.
Me: [duh?] Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
Me: [repeat!] But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
Me: [subject change] Well, it is kind of dirty. The guys
were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
Me: [subject change] Do you clean furniture, too? Those
guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on
furniture before? But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they couldn't move the ball in the second
Them: [angry???] Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: click Yes! 750 points!

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